The Laura Byrnes Show

A short addition to my previous post:

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 22:19:47 -0700

Clearly, there are situations where the power differential is so great that you are either unable to fight back or are physically prevented from doing so. I am not denying that these situations exist. They exist all too often. My post is exclusively about being strategic and exercising options when those options exist. When we have power or options of any type at our disposal when faced with a threat, it makes sense for us to utilize it.

An Alternate Response to A Violent Assault - Sexual or Otherwise

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 18:03:00 -0700

A recent twitter discussion-gone-stupid has inspired me to write a post about responding to sexual assault. I’ve been meaning to write about this for a very long time. I’m done putting it off.

There are many types of sexual assault, from an unwanted hand-brush from a stranger to violent rape. There are many types of assault, as well, from a grab, to deadly assault.

One thing I notice over, and over, is an idea many women have that it is counterproductive or dangerous to respond to an assault, of any degree, from a male with any sort of violent word or action. These women will argue that violence escalates the situation - even though as people who admit to never using it, they have no experience to back up their claim that a violent response leads to escalation.

In fact, what I hear over, and over, are women making justifications for women doing nothing, or nearly nothing, in the face of an assault. This idea is unacceptable to me. And so, I’m writing this.

This is going to be long and cover a lot of topics. What I will do is put the common refrains I get in BOLD AND CAPS, where they usually come up during my assertions, and then I will respond to them. So when you see this, it’s not snark, per se. I mean, I’m a little snarky on my best days. But the CAPS BOLD is there to identify my “how to neutralize an attacker” FAQs, which is essentially what they are.

OK, let’s begin. First, let’s establish some very important facts about people who engage in unprovoked attacks upon other people, of which men who engage in unprovoked attacks on women are a subset:

These men are weak and scared, and attack out of a desire to feel power and control. Do not take “power and control” literally. You can be the CEO of a corporation and feel powerless. You can have control and power in many aspects of your life and still feel powerless and out of control in others. This is why men across the political, racial, and socioeconomic spectrum have members who engage in attacks against others, and why they pick out targets (you will not see me use the word “victim” much in this piece) who they perceive as someone who is weak, and easy to control.

These men fear their targets.

You don’t try to hurt something you don’t fear, end of story. The attack is a reaction to an emotion that the attacker feels in response to something.

I have something I say that I feel is true: There are two types of men. Men who love women, and men who fear women.

The same is actually true of women. Either you love men or you fear them.

I don’t think I am being reductionist here. Because, think about it - can you truly love anything you fear?

I love traveling, but I fear flying. Because my fear of flying was interfering with my ability to do something I loved, I resolved to overcome my fear of flying. It took me over 10 years to be able to fly without debilitating fear, but I did it. However, I won’t say I “love” flying. I don’t. I will can’t say I love flying because every time I do it, I am actively managing, facing, and overcoming my fear of it. The day that I can get on a plane without a second thought and feel happy and exuberant about the experience will be the day I can say I honestly “love” flying. That day hasn’t come yet, but hopefully one day it will.

So, men who have any fear of women cannot love women. And in this society, a man can never, EVER admit to being afraid of a woman without making himself a target of abuse from other insecure men.

What do these men fear about women?

It depends upon the specific man. It’s kind of irrelevant, too. These people’s issues aren’t really your problem. But I will point out one thing that never seems to be said about the different powers that men and women possess:

Men, as a whole, are more physically powerful than women, in that they are bigger on average and have more muscle mass on average. This doesn’t mean a woman can’t take a man in a fight with the correct training, it simply means that in a physical altercation between an untrained man and an untrained woman, the man has the physical advantage.

However, women are more SEXUALLY powerful than men. This is a fact.

Think about it. Women have sexual drives and sexual urges just like men. But unlike men, it is easier for us to get laid when we wish to get laid. Men, biologically, have a visual attraction to women. They see, they are stimulated by what they see, and then they covet. They can want sex from a woman simply based upon her physical appearance. I’m not saying that there aren’t women who go through the same process, I’m saying that this is a trait seen way more commonly in males than females. Females, by contrast, are turned on more by INTERACTION. There is the visual stimuli, but then there is the verbal and mental stimulation too. So, women end up simply being more “picky” about who they choose to do the horizontal hustle with. This creates an imbalance, a tension.

In some men, it creates fear and resentment. All men have experienced sexual rejection from a woman. They have learned that one power women possess is the power to turn them down. The power to turn down sex is a power that many men have a hard time cultivating. Many men, when faced with a sexual advance from a woman, will accept it, in many cases even if it means they will suffer negative consequences (an angry signifigant other, for instance).

Again, I am generalizing. Men who are reading this, and are tempted to say “We’re not all like that!” - Yup. Got it. But don’t deny that these men exist. And I’m writing about a specific subset of men. So shush.

So, some men develop a fear of women. They fear the rejection. They internalize the rejection and take it personally. They become afraid to engage in a healthy way with another woman, because they know they may be rejected again, and rejection is painful, and nobody wants to feel pain. Some men become resentful that these women are causing them pain, and so they decide that they can use THEIR power - their physical power - to counteract women’s sexual power. They touch inappropriately. They exploit their advantage, and justify it with the rationalization that women exploit their sexual advantage. It’s their way of feeling strong and powerful again.

This applies to verbal abuse as well. But that’s a manifesto for another day.

But this is one basis for a man’s fear of women. And I feel that in sexual assaults, this is more often than not a huge factor.

What these men should be doing is facing their fears - getting out there and saying “I love sex, I want to love women. I know that this is going to be scary, but I need to try again. Women like the same things I like, but not every woman will want to have sex with me. I will keep interacting with women in a healthy, caring way, and I will attract a caring woman who loves me too and wants to have loads of sex with me”.

But just like my learning to love flying, this is a long, slow, and laborious process. It involves training yourself to think and act differently. However, the rewards are huge.

Some men do not wish to put in the effort it takes to face their fears. So they do what fearful people always do: they attack.

And they will choose targets they feel will be easiest, because they don’t want to feel fear or pain. REMEMBER THIS. They are trying to avoid fear and pain, this is why they are attacking what they fear. They will choose those they perceive as smaller and weaker. They want to win. They want to feel powerful and in control at the end of the attack.

So, the key to neutralizing any attack like this is to deny the attacker power and control. To say and/or do ANYTHING that fucks with the attacker’s power and control fantasy. The minute you do that, you make the attacker rethink his choice of target. You inject an element of fear and confusion into the mix, which gives you, as the target, any number of opportunities and options for removing yourself from the situation.

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THIS IS ALL WELL AND GOOD, LAURA, BUT WHAT IF THE OPERA JUST LET OUT AND I’M WALKING ALL BY MYSELF DOWN CRIME ALLEY AND A STRANGE MAN IS WALKING TOWARDS ME? HOW DO I MINIMIZE MY CHANCE OF BEING A TARGET IN A REAL WORLD SITUATION?

Great question. Let’s start here, with some handy tricks and tips on how to project power and control when walking down a dark street/alley by yourself.

First, how you walk matters. Stand tall, take strong, long strides. Have both hands free if possible. Keep your head up - chin-down is a submissive body language position. Make eye contact for at least one second (count “ONE-one-thousand”) with anyone you approach. This serves two purposes. Eye contact is an Alpha behavior. It says “I’m not afraid”. Second, by looking the person in the face for one second, you are now able to identify him or her in the event of an attack. If the person approaching you is the attacking type, he will know and understand this. He doesn’t want to be identified. You have just made things more complicated for him.

Your expression also matters. Your face should be as neutral as possible. Neutral = calm and relaxed. Calm and relaxed = NOT AFRAID.

Remember, the person targeting you wants you to feel fear. Making another person feel fear is his revenge against the people who made him feel fear in the past. If you project that you are not the fearful type, you make yourself less attractive as a target. Remember, they want and need this to be easy. Every little thing helps.

If you hear or sense someone behind you, without stopping walking, turn fully around and walk backwards while making the one-second eye contact, then turn around again and keep walking forward, at the same pace you were originally going. Do not slow down, do not speed up. But, be aware. Do you feel the person is getting closer? Don’t look back again unless you feel this to be true. Instead, start thinking. Where are your exits. Is there an open building with a doorman? Where can you go if this person turns out to be an attacker? Think through your options, every time. You want to be in the position that you can react without thinking in the event you are attacked, so thinking through your options every time is a smart thing to do. In karate, we do the same block, the same kick, over and over and over. It’s because when the time comes, we won’t have time to think “Oh I should block with this hand” your hand must go up lightning quick. This is the same concept.

If the person never gets closer, great. Leave Crime Alley. I mean, it’s called Crime Alley, for chrissakes.

If the person gets closer, it’s time to exercise some options. What you want to do is add unpredictability to the mix at this time. Walk into a store, occupied building, more populated street etc. Hail a cab if you see one. If you are somewhere absolutely desolate, now’s a good time to get your mace handy, just in case. What, you are walking around on Mars all by yourself except for Mr Rapey behind you and you don’t have mace? Look, if you’re going to be in places like this, you should have mace. Everyone should have mace. Get mace.

Anyway, your first line of response should be avoidance, but you must avoid in a way that looks completely natural. You are not afraid. You meant to hail that cab or walk into that building. Do not act afraid. Do not, for a minute, give the attacker the impression that you are an easy target.

Now, here’s where I’m going to start saying things that might piss some people off. But this shit is helpful so I’m going to say it anyway.

If the person approaches you in an obvious way - by this I mean, he is suddenly walking beside you, or just behind you - engage him. Say, “Good evening” with eye contact and a slight smile (no teeth). Another fun fact: Smiling is Alpha body language. People who are in control and feel powerful smile a lot. They have that contented, in-control grin on their faces. You need to have it too.

If he grabs you, immediately go fucking apeshit. FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE. MACE THAT FUCKER. I repeat, go out and buy mace.

And by doing this, again, you are telling this person “I’m not afraid of you. I’m not intimidated by you.” You are signalling to the potential attacker that he has an uphill battle ahead. He is looking at you thinking “This one isn’t going to cower. This one seems like she knows something I don’t. Does she have a weapon?”

Masuimi told me a great story about getting harassed when she lived in Texas.

She would walk 45 minutes to her gym and back, so she could get her free cardio workout ahead of time. During her walks, she would be catcalled and harassed by men in cars. Sometimes, these men would slow down and follow her in their cars.

So, she went and learned to shoot a gun and got a concealed handgun license. She took the handgun with her on her walks to and from the gym.

She never had to use it, and in addition, a funny thing happened - she was harassed LESS. The men in these cars did not know she had a gun. BUT SHE DID. And because she knew she had an option, the way she walked was different. The way she looked at these men who harassed her was different. They saw something in her walk, bearing, and facial expression that said “This may not end well for you”. And that in itself was enough to minimize the amount and severity of harassment she experienced on a daily basis.

She kept walking to the gym, and she never had to go for her gun.

So, my very strong belief is that confidence and lack of fear is key.

BUT LAURA, I HAVE BEEN THE VICTIM OF AN ASSAULT AND I AM NOW FEARFUL. I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO RESPOND IN THE SAME WAY IN THESE SITUATIONS.

OK then, you have identified the problem: Fear. You must overcome your fear with action. If you have been the victim of an attack, it is very important for you to learn how to prevent something similar from happening again. Once you know how to take action, you will have less fear. The more action you take, the less fear you will have.

I cannot recommend enough that you learn self-defense, no matter what your prior experiences. Learning self-defense is extremely empowering, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Remember, you want OPTIONS. You cannot completely control your life, nobody can. You may suddenly find yourself in a bad situation. That dude in Crime Alley might just decide to grab you no matter how not-afraid you seem to be. You may need to fight back. So have those options available to you!

And holy shit, will you feel great. You will have some kick-ass muscles. You will have flexibility out the wazoo. The day I landed a kick to the head to a 6-foot-4 dude in sparring was one of the triumphs of my fucking LIFE. Do you know how awesome it feels to know you could kick Mr Rape in the head if you had to? No? GO TAKE SELF-DEFENSE AND FIND OUT.

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However, most assaults don’t happen by psychopaths in dark alleys. They happen in everyday situations, perpetrated by average-seeming men. The man on the street who puts his hand on you to get your attention. The grope on the subway or in a crowded room. The man with the wandering hand next to you on the airplane. The douchebag selling you fabric! (Fuck that guy! But I took care of him).

And then there are one-on-one sexual assaults perpetrated by someone you know and trust, and possibly love. We will cover the Public Gropey Guy first.

The Public Gropey Guy is assaulting you the minute he puts his hands on you without permission. End of story. The minute he does that, you must react.

You must use the fact that others are around to your advantage. You must be IMMEDIATELY offended. Like, hair-trigger offended. Don’t try any of that “gently moving away” shit. Your split-second reaction should be WHAT THE FUCK??

You may come off as a super-sensitive defensive female. If so, SO WHAT? Public Gropey Guy just crossed your boundary, so fuck what anyone thinks. Your job is to make this guy think twice before going further or doing it again. Public Gropey Guy knows what he’s doing. He’s afraid of women and he wants to make a woman afraid and uncomfortable so he can feel power and control. Remove the power and control.

You have many options in these situations. Some options work better for some situations than others. Since Public Gropey Guy is the type of attacker I have the most personal experience with, I will relate a few anecdotes to illustrate the following options:

Calling out the behavior - to the attacker directly, and/or to the surrounding people

Physically repelling the attacker

Shaming the attacker

Beating up the attacker

Disrupting the attacker’s goals through other means

OK, let’s start with this douchebag who I used to buy fabric from downtown back when I was starting out. He and his (very cool) cousin owned the business. The fabric they sold was unique, so at the time I didn’t have the option of purchasing elsewhere. When both cousins were there, all I had to deal with was leery looks from the douchebag. When it was just him there, however, it was another story. He’d get very close to me. He’d start making inappropriate comments, sometimes veering into the sexual. I’d make distance, smile, and respond with “None of your business, dude” to his sexual comment bullshit. One thing I’d never do was act flustered or angry. Why? I didn’t want to give him what he obviously wanted. This douche knew I was married. I’d take my daughter in there with me. He was married. He just wanted some easy fun.

One day, he decided to take it a little further. He reached his hand under my shirt and rubbed his hand along the skin of my back.

“Get your hand the fuck out of there, dude”, I said. I looked right at him. I kept smiling. He took his hand away, and started making excuses. He literally tried to rationalize his inappropriate touching. I can’t remember what he was saying exactly, but it doesn’t matter. I responded to it all with “I don’t give a fuck, you won’t touch me, are we clear?” Then I left.

But I wasn’t done. I didn’t come back again until the other cousin was also there. I walked in, said hello with a smile to both of them as I always did, as if nothing had transpired. But when the douche cousin approached me, I said, loud enough for the nice cousin to hear, “Oh no way you perv, you’re coming nowhere near me!” This got the attention of the nice cousin, and I took advantage of that to tell him allll about his cousin’s little gropey incident, right in front of the douche. I made sure to mention that ladies don’t like that and if business was down, maybe it was because of his gropey cousin. The looks on the faces of both of them were priceless. Nice cousin had that “I’m going to fucking kill this asshole” expression. Gropey cousin was filled with shock and panic. OH SHIT, BUSTED!

Guess who never acted inappropriately with me again? Even if it was just the two of us in the store? To this day, Mr Gropey is nothing but polite and respectful to me when I see him.

I engaged him. I did not show fear or anger. I called him out. I repelled him through public shaming. All of these things told him “I will not get what I want from this person”. This is imperative in any situation.

BUT LAURA, WHEN YOU ENGAGE YOUR ATTACKER YOU TAKE THE RISK OF ESCALATING THE SITUATION AND YOU COULD GET HURT.

When you do nothing, you also take that risk. When you take the “gentle” approach, you also take that risk. When you show fear or anger, you also take that risk. The risk of the attacker escalating IS ALWAYS THERE, and that is a fact. In my opinion and experience, though, disrupting the power/control dynamic has a much better chance of LOWERING that risk.

I was walking down the street alone one evening in NYC when out of nowhere, a man standing with two other friends grabbed me by both shoulders and stopped me. I jerked my shoulders free immediately and punched him without thinking, then said DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME. He put his hands down and stared at me with a look of shock combined with shame. His friends immediately started admonishing him - “What are you doing man?”. He apologized. I walked away. End of story.

I don’t know what that dude was thinking. I also don’t care. You don’t just grab a stranger out of nowhere. If you do, they might punch you. His reaction made it clear that he wasn’t expecting a woman to punch him as a result of being grabbed. I bet he understands now that this is unacceptable behavior. Sure, I guess he and his friends could have proceeded to beat the shit out of me in the middle of the street, but they didn’t. Because most people are not complete and total psychopaths, and that would have been criminally psychopathic behavior. Instead, they heard the command “DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME” and they all responded to it. They responded to power and control.

In middle school there was an asshole named Scott Olson. Fuck yhea I’m using his real name. This kid was FUCKED. During the summer between 7th and 8th grade he called me up and asked me to the mall. My minimal experiences with him prior to this were normal, so I said yes. We went to the mall. We walked around, we got ice cream, yadda yadda. But I got a strange vibe from him. So I didn’t spend any more time with him outside of school.

On his end though, that one date meant I was his girlfriend. Back in school, he started telling people I was his girlfriend. I said no and told the truth, we went to the mall once but that was it. I wasn’t into him. When he found out that I was publicly rejecting him, he turned into a monster.

He started physically assaulting me and my best friend Christina. It started one day outside of school when we inadvertently walked by his house. He saw us, came out, and came after us, taunting us at first, then pushing us. I was on the track team, and I told Christina “run” and we ran. I got away quicker and I still remember looking back to see him close behind her, hitting her when he could get close enough. She finally got away.

He started assaulting us at school. Our last class of the day, which we shared with Mr Olson, was on the 3rd floor. Once the bell rang, we had to go three flights down the stairway to get to the safety of our bus. Each afternoon it was a race to get ahead of Scott Olson. Once, I was ahead of Christina at the landing, turned around to see where she was, and Scott, four stairs above me JUMPED FROM THE STAIRS AND KICKED ME SQUARE IN THE CHEST. After that, my Science/Homeroom teacher Mr Pavlich would let Christina and I out of the classroom three minutes before the bell so we could get to the bus in peace.

If you’re asking where the staff was during all of this, let’s say that school staff cared about bullying about as much as they do now. And the kids stayed out of it, out of fear.

One day, I was walking to my lunch table in the school cafeteria. It was early and many of my friends were not there yet so the table was somewhat empty. There was a large pillar just opposite my table. Scott Olson pressed me up against the pillar with his entire body. I felt his erection through his pants. I lost my shit. I pushed him away with all the strength I had and he fell back, over the bench, onto the table. I pounced on him and started punching him repeatedly in the face. One of the lunch staff, who had witnessed the entire episode, pulled me off of him.

I was not disciplined. He was suspended. He never touched me, or Christina, or any other girl at the school again

I hear he became a school bus driver. Dear lord.

So yhea, the only way I was able to stop him was by engaging him. When we ran, he pursued. When we fought, he retreated. And this is the pattern I’ve seen throughout my experiences. I feel that when you fight back, be it with words, shaming, physically, or through confusing your attacker, you actually LOWER your risk of escalation, by making yourself a more difficult target.

Last story. This one is a doozy.

So it’s 1990, I’m 21, and I’m backpacking and hitchhiking across Ireland alone, taking photos of ruined abbeys, monasteries and churches. I’m having a great time. Most of the hitches I’m getting are from dudes, and I actually made a load of friends this way. The Irish RULE. A dude would pick me up, we’d start talking, and next thing you know I’m having dinner with his family. It was awesome.

When I could, I’d stay at an inn, which would be a pub with rooms above it. This was ideal because I could get myself a meal and a drink then head right upstairs to bed. At that time, though, it was a little odd for a woman to be hanging out alone in a pub. Many times, a group of girls would “adopt” me - invite me over to their table to eat so I wouldn’t stick out. Once, a drunken Paddy called me a “whore” for being in the pub by myself. But that’s not my story.

My story is about the night I spent at the now-gone Castle Inn in Kilkenny. Kilkenny is still a party town on the weekends, and it was then, as well. It was a Friday or Saturday night, I had just gotten my room, and I went down to the pub to eat and have a beer before bed. Next to me were these two Australian men. They were yukking it up with each other and soon I was included in the conversation. One of the dudes was perfectly cool, and the other dude seemed pretty cool too. Until the first dude went to the bar to get more drinks.

The first dude was there a while because it was a busy night and there was a wait for service. During the time Nice Australian Dude was away, the remaining one decided to turn into a total asshole. Suddenly, he was coming onto me. OK. Sorry, not interested. I tried to steer the conversation away. I paid my check. But this dude just became more direct. He leaned in, and said - I shit you not:

“You know, I’d really like to screw you”.

That was it for me. I got up and said, “Aaaand, that’s my cue to leave. You have a nice night, and tell your friend goodnight”. I walked away and with my room key in hand and ready, I walked up the stairs to my room.

Just before I got to the first landing (where the stairs took a turn and I would be out of sight of the pub area) I got a horrible creeping feeling up my back. He was behind me, I knew it.

So as soon as I hit that landing I booked up the stairs and down the hall to my room, which was at the very end of the hall, the door at a diagonal to another door. My door was on the right. I was fast enough that he didn’t see which door I entered. I locked my door and stood frozen, in the dark, as he started banging on the other door.

These rooms are just rooms. There is no telephone to the front desk. It was loud enough downstairs that nobody could hear the banging. I wasn’t sure if he would try to get through the door. I looked out the window - I’d probably break something if I jumped. I remember thinking “Shit they should put bats in the rooms or something”.

The dude in the room next to me opened up and angrily asked Mr Like-to-Screw-You what he wanted. Mr Screw said “Oh sorry mate” and then STARTED BANGING ON MY DOOR.

I’ve always wondered what the fuck this idiot was thinking. Was I gonna open up and say “Oh, I’ve changed my mind! Come on in and screw me”. But you know what, it was a game. It was fun to chase me down the hall and have me cornered in my room, hopefully in fear. All fun and games for this dude.

Luckily, the guy behind the other door opened up again and said “I don’t think she wants you around, take the hint!” and Mr Screw finally went back down to the pub.

Unfortunately, though, that wasn’t my last encounter with Mr Screw.

Two weeks later, I was walking down the Clifden Road in Connemara, on the west coast of Ireland. Connemara is one of the most empty, desolate places in Ireland (and also one of the most beautiful). There is nothing there but sky, sea, rocks and sheep. In 1990, there was a house about every 4 miles, and the area had just recently acquired telephone service. I was hitchhiking, but mostly walking because you could count on a car passing your way only every 20 minutes or so.

So there I am, on Mars. Just me and the sheep. A car approaches from the other direction, passes me, then stops, and turns around, coming up beside me.

GUESS WHO IT WAS

YES, IT WAS MR SCREW. AND I HAD NOWHERE TO RUN

“Fancy meeting you here,” he said, with a look on his face like he was about to have the time of his life.

My very first thought was “I am going to die, right after he rapes the shit out of me”. Then I thought about my mother, how she worries when I take the subway after dark, how she was worried about me travelling alone, how she told me to be careful. I thought about how fucking STUPID I was.

And I don’t know why I did the next thing I did. Maybe it was the horrid sick realization that I was fucked, and that I was fucked because I was stupid - but I started laughing.

Like, just busting up laughing as I walked along the road waiting for him to get out of his car and commence with the unwanted screwing while the sheep looked on. I remember his face changing and he said “What’s your problem?”

“Go away”, I said through my laughter. I kept walking, at the same pace I was when he discovered me.

“What?”

“Go away”, I said again, still laughing like he was the funniest thing I’d ever seen.

He drove off with a confused look on his face and I never saw him again.

——————

Now, I’m not saying you should just bust out laughing in the face of your attacker if someone tries to rape you. All I know is that my reaction confused the shit out of him. It was NOT what he expected. I’m sure he was hoping I’d take off running and he could have some fun persuing me. But I didn’t. I fucked up his expectations. I made him wonder if this might possibly end badly for him. I made it difficult for him. And apparently, that was enough for him to decide I wasn’t an easy target.

But, I didn’t show fear. I didn’t nicely ask him to back off, and I didn’t run. And I think that by doing that, I lowered my risk of escalation.

———————-

The following story comes closest to a one-on-one sexual assault from a person you know and trust.

Now, I actually have less experience with this, so I can’t speak too much to strategy, but it seems that maybe my attitude repels these type of people to the point that they never get that far into my life.

In fact, I used to be a bit of a litmus test - I had this one friend who would enter physically abusive relationships over, and over, and over. She was a lovely woman, so smart, beautiful, and kind. We were close friends. And every boyfriend she had would beat her. Like, seven in a row over the course of 10 years. I ended my relationship with her over it because I was sick of being the person she ran to when things got horrible, only to go back a few days later.

I noticed one thing about all these men - I’d usually meet them only once. After that, they’d tell my friend “I don’t like her”, then they’d start the process of alienating her from me. A few months after they were done alienating her from anyone who could see them for what they were, the abuse would start.

So again, I think there is something we can all cultivate in our attitudes and demeanors that may help repel these types of attackers. Obviously, these men only had to meet me once to realize I was not someone they wanted around.

And that is KEY - Attackers, men who are afraid of women, do not want to be around strong, powerful, confident women for any length of time whatsoever. BECAUSE WE SCARE THEM.

Anyway, here’s my one story where I was one-on-one, alone in the home of a person I thought I knew and thought I could trust. Again, this story may not be as helpful as my other stories. But it’s all I have in this realm.

So I was dating this guy. His name was Kendall. We weren’t serious yet, we had been on maybe 3 dates. We had kissed a little, but that was it. He seemed OK. In any case, I was willing to go on another date with him, and when he asked me to meet him at his apartment beforehand, I thought nothing of it. I went over to his place and he invited me inside, showed me around, etc

We were supposed to go out to dinner and then a movie. But out of nowhere, just as we were about to leave, he put his arms around my arms & waist, locked his hands together, preventing me from wriggling free, and said “kiss me”.

I was terrified. This wasn’t normal. It did not feel normal. My brain raced for a solution. I could find none. He was stronger than me and he was making it clear to me that he could and would overpower me.

So I kissed him. Hard, and passionately, taking him by surprise. I put my arms around his neck as I did it and played with his hair. When I pulled away, I smiled at him.

“How’s that?”, I asked.

Again, a funny thing happened. He was so surprised by my reaction that when I kissed him he unlocked his hands, which were now down by his side. His face was slack with surprise. He stammered something about it being “nice”. As he did I took my chance and walked right to the door, opened it, and walked out into the hall.

“I’m starving! Let’s go eat!” I said cheerfully.

We went to dinner. Halfway through dinner I excused myself to go to the bathroom, found the restaurant manager, and told him I needed to escape out the back door. Never saw him again, of course.

Luckily, the fucker had no idea where I lived, only my phone number. But he never called, never showed up at my work. Nothing.

Again, maybe I’ve just been super lucky in that 100% of the time, when a man has targeted me I have been able to flip the script, disrupt his expectations, and neutralize the assault. Or maybe there’s something to the concept. Maybe it’s important to fight back. Maybe adding unpredictability to the mix lowers your risk of escalation.

I look forward to your thoughts.

Laura

OMG Golden Retreiver & her 8 puppies at the Villalobos...

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 13:29:33 -0700

OMG Golden Retreiver & her 8 puppies at the Villalobos Family Reunion - only 2 weeks, so we kept our distance while dying of cute <3

Gift from Milena @oscoxaes <3

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 20:11:21 -0700

Gift from Milena @oscoxaes <3

Just received this amazing piece from my homie Ed Mulligan...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 14:42:42 -0700

Just received this amazing piece from my homie Ed Mulligan @thebrokenart - DUDE IT IS AMAZING I love it!! <3 <3 Also everyone follow Ed <3

Photo

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 07:29:14 -0700

vchronicles: So, to all of you who follow me and who are not...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 07:08:57 -0700

vchronicles:

So, to all of you who follow me and who are not from Brazil, you should read this, and please reblog, if you can.

These are some photos of what is happening to our country today. São Paulo and Rio de Janeiro are facing protest all over the cities. To fight for their rights. Our country is living a hidden dictatorship. The protests started because the bus fee raised 20 brazilian cents. Which doesn’t seem that much, but you all should know that millions of brazilians live with a monthly income of no more than 700 brazilian reais (something like 350 american dollars). Some people live and raise families with that money. Monthly. To these people, $0,20 for each bus means a lot.

But the thing is: what initially was intended to be a protest against the bus fee turned into a protest against the dictatorial government. A government that every year, steals millions of dollars of their people, in their own benefit. A government so corrupt, the population got used to it, and make jokes about it. In this country, a school teacher has a yearly income of $8400. The governors, on the other side, earn, for the same time, about $300.000. To work less. And they don’t even show up to work. And besides that salary, they steal.

And now, people are going to the streets. And the response is photographed. The government is brutally attacking everyone. I mean everyone. Protesters, pedestrians, reporters, photographers. Everyone. For no reason. They just attack. And bomb. And hurt.

The media is absolutely corrupted. The brazilian media makes it look like a violent act, that has to be fought with equal violence. That is a lie. 15 thousand people are going to the streets of Sao Paulo with no guns, no fire, no weapons. And they are being hurt, persecuted, and arrested. Some of them have to pay bail fees up to $20.000.

If you came all the way down here, please, reblog this. Help making the world know what is really going on here. This country, this beautiful country, with beautiful beaches, and women, and music, is now screaming in protest. This is the country in which the World Cup will be in 2013. A country that worries about the World Cup much more than it worries about the welfare of its citizens.

It’s sad being here. But we’re fighting.

iOS 7: An Estrogen-Addled Mess Designed for 13 Year Old Girls - Jim Lynch

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 21:39:43 -0700

iOS 7: An Estrogen-Addled Mess Designed for 13 Year Old Girls - Jim Lynch:

This is a serious article!! But it’s totally OK to laugh your ass off - I’m trying to stop though because I’m hurting myself and I’m worried if I continue I may go into labor.

Care package from @hooperrachel in Belfast - these babies work...

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 15:24:35 -0700

Care package from @hooperrachel in Belfast - these babies work better for heartburn than anything I’ve found in the US. THANK YOU!!!

My niece Amanda @panda__watch did an awesome job when we shot...

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 08:43:43 -0700

My niece Amanda @panda__watch did an awesome job when we shot her in Spring PUG <3 Photo by #loriannephotography #pinupgirlclothing

Urge to kill…subsiding…

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 11:47:44 -0700

Urge to kill…subsiding…

at The Orpheum Theatre

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 18:47:40 -0700

at The Orpheum Theatre

I’ll leave you guys with this gem @atomictantrum @oscoxaes...

Sat, 01 Jun 2013 21:53:08 -0700

I’ll leave you guys with this gem @atomictantrum @oscoxaes @missrockabillyruby @michelinepitt (at Pinup Girl Clothing)

Masuimi, post peeñ-ata destruction @themasuimimax (at Pinup...

Sat, 01 Jun 2013 21:19:17 -0700

Masuimi, post peeñ-ata destruction @themasuimimax (at Pinup Girl Clothing)

Write your own caption. @missrockabillyruby (at Pinup Girl...

Sat, 01 Jun 2013 21:16:47 -0700

Write your own caption. @missrockabillyruby (at Pinup Girl Clothing)

Milena takes the first shot at the peeñ-ata (at Pinup Girl...

Sat, 01 Jun 2013 20:36:35 -0700

Milena takes the first shot at the peeñ-ata (at Pinup Girl Clothing)

Playing pin the kiss on the peen - Micheline tried to make it...

Sat, 01 Jun 2013 20:12:26 -0700

Playing pin the kiss on the peen - Micheline tried to make it more difficult for Masuimi, & she hit the bullseye ha ha ha (at Pinup Girl Clothing)

Knocked-up Party Makeup to go with my leopard print maternity...

Sat, 01 Jun 2013 18:56:05 -0700

Knocked-up Party Makeup to go with my leopard print maternity dress <3 Can’t wait to beat the penis piñata!

On my way out to @themasuimimax ‘s I Am Sin Release Party...

Fri, 31 May 2013 18:03:25 -0700

On my way out to @themasuimimax ‘s I Am Sin Release Party - Rock & Roll!! <3

Pants are for suckers. 1987, age 18 #laurabyrnes #nopants...

Sat, 25 May 2013 20:05:26 -0700

Pants are for suckers. 1987, age 18 #laurabyrnes #nopants #punksnotdeadohno